im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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