My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
