you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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