Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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