Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
