He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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