Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
