K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
