I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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