I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just invented taco cereal.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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