we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
