I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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