that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
