I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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