FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
