i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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