that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
