Kiss
Puke
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
