mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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