My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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