Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
