new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Even the bartender felt bad for me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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