So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
