Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
