know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She bit a glass in half.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
