so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You pole danced in your parka.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
