Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
