Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
