I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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