Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm just crazy horny about you
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
