Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
