So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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