Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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