dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
