I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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