It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
