Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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