Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
