i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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