Got a toothbrush?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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