Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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