I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
