Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
