I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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