this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I did not marry a roomba.
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