I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
