I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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