dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
