And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
