Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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