so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There r osticjed everywhere
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
