You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
