I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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