So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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