Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
